Mere Desh Ki Dharthi

The morning was grey. Clouds gathered in the distant sky. It was getting dark. The wind was damp. It was eerie.

'' Something ominous is going to happen'' murmured some. ''Something bad for the country'', said a few others. I didn't want to sit alone. I rang up kochapps and told him that I want solace. I do not know whether you have taken solace from friends; it’s good; esp the variety kochapps dishes out; it's very good, try it sometime.

When I reached Kochapps' apartment block half an hour later, I found a crowd of the residents of the flats near the 'Club House Hall'. I passed through gloomy faces into the hall to locate Kochapps. Some women were huddled together and were whispering. Some had eyes red, out of crying. I found Kochapps with difficulty. He was not affected much.
I asked him, '' what happened?''

''Don't you know what happened.?''

'' No'' .quoth I ; in Old English; the British variety.

'' Behold'' quoth he also, in OE, and extended the paper to me.

' Sanjay Dutt sentenced to six years imprisonment'' was the head line.

'' I knew this alright but what is happening here'' I enquired.

'' The Hindi film lovers including the north Indians from this building are meeting to protest and to pray for Sanjay. They are also requesting the Film Actors Assn
' AMMA" to declare 'Hartal' in Kerala.

After the meeting I read out the reports to Kochapps, like I did on the Churidar Issue of Guruvayoor.

'' Was there a rally after Sanjay was arrested.?'' I asked ; innocently.

'' What rally?'' he asked.

" This report says, “The film personalities rallied behind actor Sanjay Dutt after he was arrested on Tuesday”. I stopped for clarification.

He gave me a look I won't forget in my life.

I read the reactions of people from various walks of life to this incident.

'' Victim of conspiracy of circumstances'', said Shatrughnan Sinha, BJP MP.
"Iska badla hum zaroor loonga'', he pledged ; ever since he was sworn in as an
MP, he is in this habit of making 'pledges' ; ordinary statements are few and rare.

'' Upsetting'', director Kunal Kohli said, '' My sympathy is with his family .... It is a very sad day for Bharath desh. He has already paid for what he has done''. The patriot Kunal is, he recited two lines from manoj kumar's 'UPKAR'

'' Mere desh ki dharti sonaha ugle, ugle he heere mothi,
Mere desh ki dharti, Mere desh ki dharti, Mere desh ki dharti'', repeated it thrice to prove the point.

His voiced choked with emotion for Bharathdesh and Sanjay. He couldn't continue. He retired hurt. Like Manoj Kumar from patriotic films.

“Had he paid any fine earlier? '' I sought clarification again. Kochapps looked at me. To be very frank I couldn't decipher his expression. It was not an encouraging one anyway.

Film maker Anubhav Sinha hoped that '' there would be some provisions in the judgement to find some relief for our friend''. Mahesh Bhatt also mentioned about this 'relief in judgement.'

'' If the judgement doesn't have any relief to Sanjay, the Bollywood film Industry should definitely seek the help of the Drugs and Pharmaceutical Industry to provide some relief not only to him but to his family members in pain'' I expressed my opinion openly.

The last response came from the notable Bollywood film actress Monica Bedi who is convalescing after serving a term in jail for two separate charges of 'Physical alliance with mutiple people in a compromising manner in a discotheque in Delhi ' and ' Passport forgery case'. From her ancestral home from Chhabewal, in Hoshiarpur district. she said '' It's a big loss''.

She expressed her hope,'' Like Phoenix rose from ashes I have come back to life so will Sanjay'' .

I finished reading.

As if to Sanjay, I said it aloud ''You will come out like the phoenix from ashes, Sanjay, making it three of us achieving that feat; Monica from Hoshiarpur, you from Mumbai and I from Ravipuram.!!!”

I looked at Kochappan. He was fast asleep unmindful of the national calamities happening. I closed the door gently and waked on to the road.

It was still cloudy; threatening to rain.......

menon ( aniyan )

Hindustan Latex

That news came around 6.30pm on TV. We were in a restaurant at that time.
It came as surprise. It was breaking a tradition of so many years. It was about the decision of the Devaswom committee of Guruvayoor temple to allow women to enter temple wearing 'Churidar- kurta'.

'' What is so great about this news? why are people excited? Were women not allowed to wear anything while entering Guruvayoor, that Churidar news is being welcomed? were the questions I asked Kochappan who was having the third peg of Gin ; large one ; the 60ml variety. I was on lime, and cordial to him.

Wait till you see tomorrow's news papers. I assured him of excitement tomorrow.

At 10.30am next day. I read the newspapers loud to him in his room.

'' A novel decision'' was Chief Minister Achummavan's response.

'' Chief Minister is insulting this decision by calling novel , fiction etc it should be appreciated'' came the comment of opposition leader Ommen chandy. ''He doesn't have the guts to takea decision like this'' he added ; Chandy was good in arithmetics in school.

'' What is this issue about ' novel', ' fiction.? I asked kochapps.

'' It's a question of infuence of literacy and in Kerala politicians dont fight but engage in war of words.'' he replied

'' I want to have gin now before lunch'' he told me. I told him that I shall have lime with the same cordiality.

'' This decision to allow Churidar- kurta is to help the Ready made garment mafia of Mumbai and Tiruppur to increase their business in Kerala''. Alleged BJP state president krishna das. Krishna Das 'alleges' every day after bath and breakfast; it's just a habit.

The Chavakkad and Guruvayoor chapter of the ' Nudist's Association of Kerala'
has appealed to co-nudists from Goa to join their protest against the Devaswom board.
'' Considering Lord Krishna's focus and the specific interest in hiding the clothes of 'Gopikas' when they were taking their bath in the river and allied activities, allowing female devotees in Guruvayoor temple in their birth- day -suites would be the ideal way of worship '' claimed Ragunath Krishnan, the 70 yr old former president of the Nudist's chapter of Chavakkad and Guruvayoor. He exhorted the younger members to press for their demand for the implementation of birthday-suites concept in all Sree Krishna Temples in Kerala.

I looked at Kochapps. He was lost in thought ; then he said '' In an interview a press correspondent asked Dr.Kurien, founder of NDDB , as to what was wrong with Kerala. Do you know the reply he is reported to have given ?''

'' No, I don't''.

' The only thing wrong about kerala is that it is full of Malayalees''

Kochappan being educated and scholarly I requested him for his comment.

'' I have only one request to the politicians of this state'' he said.

'' What would that be?''

'' Please learn from your parent's mistakes. Use birth controls and if you love your state as you say buy the 'Hindustan Latex' ones made in Kerala'' !!!

As it happens to me most of the times I was wondering why should they use birth controls for their parents' mistakes.


menon ( aniyan )

Global Warming

' You Live Only Twice' ; ' Once when you are born and then when you
' face death'.

I have not experienced it when I was born. But after I was born, seeing the kind of person Iam,and my life after my birth, there was a general opinion among the friends of my parent's that, the gene pool of the family should make use of little Chlorine so that the further outputs of their's , would be more clean, neat and acceptable to the society at large.

Madam du Barry, mistress of Louis xiv , facing death, just before being Guillotined, pleaded '' You are going to hurt me.Please don't hurt me. Just one more moment.I beg you, please.'' She was living that moment ,as she has never lived before.

That was one approach to facing death.

'' How about this for a head line for a tomorrow's newspaper.' French Fries' '' .said James French before being executed in electric chair in 1966.

That was another.

and the third one. ''I would like to thank my family for loving me and taking care of me.And the rest of the world can kiss my ass'' .James Frank Garret Sr injected to death 1992.

Why-these- unpleasant things- now question would have crossed your mind.

Iam on my way to Kochappan to get response about my recent writing on fantasy of going to Ravipuram cremation ground which was preceeded by the ones on 'Cats', 'Godots', 'Dogs' etc.

Of the three options available and mentioned above, I chose the Madam du Barry approach to facing execution from Kochappan ; the ' plead for the mercy ' variety.

Keeping in line with the recent trend of recreating old incidents like 'Dandi March'
I decided to resort to the same style ; One has to be up- to- date , you know.
Like Madam Barry I started walking towards Kochapp's house 7 kms away.

I have bought the' thigh of a lamb' from Kaloor market, an area of the anatomy in which I dwell considerably when eating it. But I have never seen the face of a lamb in front of it's executioner. Probably it would have been something like Madam Barry's when she was in the same state as the lamb was.

Contrary to my expectations of being extinguished nothing bad happened ; I and Rahul Dravid were in the same boat ; better still, similar boat', because his was in Lord's and mine was in India ; geographical difference you see.

'' Aniyan you have improved quite bit in your writing .Now that your readers are satisfied and has had their hearts full you should take up spoken English and write less'' Kochapps nurtured.

I sat like the Pomeranian breed; enjoying it. Great moments of life;being nurtured ;not tortured as Madam du Barry.

Iam taking up spoken English seriously because I have decided to go more into Training and teaching in various institutes like the ones of Guru's management.

'' You can learn and improve a lot with a person like Raj of Guru'' Kochappan opined.

'' I have started using better and professional English in his organisation.I have learned and started using lot of phrases , idioms etc'' I said proudly.

'' That's good I know you can do it.Is Raj happy!''. Kochapps' expectation about me was growing.

'' Oh yes. I was also there with him when he was entertaining two of his clients from a management consultancy from Britain at Windsor Manor at lunch''. I paused.

'' You would have contributed to the conversation '' he was in conjecture.

'' Oh yes I did. Using new found phrases I engaged the British couple.To please the lady and complement her I said ' If I had told you that you have a gorgeous body will you hold it against me?' .

Kochappan froze. '' Did the man hear it'' .

'' No he was in conversation with Raj''. I said. '' I proved to the Brit that I had knowledge about Britain by giving a quote about England''

'' What did you say''

'' I told him '' I know why the sun never sets on British Empire.Because even God will not trust an Englishman in darkness''

'' Oh God. How did he react'' Kochapps moaned.

'' He had a similar expression like yours '' I said ; innocentally

" How did Raj react?''

'' He got me ticket by 'Go Air' to Kochi from the hotel travel desk itself on credit card, and drove me to the airport. Even in that cold climate he was sweating. May be he was feeling bad about my leaving Bangalore''. I finished giving feed back.

Kochappan tried to stand up. He swayed. This is the second time I have seen him going weak on his knees after a conversation with me. I helped him to the bed room. He was sweating like Raj did after lunch. '' Why are all of you sweating?'' I asked him.

'' Global warming, Aniyan , Global warming'' he muttered !!!!

Carbon Dioxide and Nitrous Oxide are cited as causes for Global warming.

I did not quite understand what did I have to do with Global warming !!!

I will have to ask him.

menon ( aniyan )

The bread knife

I wrote prose.Nothing much happened. I wrote poetry, and after reading it Kochappan retired hurt .He has not recovered yet; is in Malaysia now for recovery and recuperation. I feel guilty of my poetry putting him out of action . M.D. paliath consoled me thro mail and even offered to come down to Kochi to share my grief over one or two pegs of Rum ; he was willing to increase the quantity of intake either in 'millilitres' or in 'pegs'.leaving the choice to me. He said my poetry is good ; that comment from a person erudite as him, who came out in 'colours' in his first attempt and in ' Flying colours ' at the second, in the Civil Services Exams, and is generally found in the office The Director of Aeronautical Agency, advising him on various matters, was by all means an encouraging one.

What to write next? I was in a dilemma. I asked komala as to what should I write next.

' Few cheques dedicated to me'' was her reply.

I asked Aparna, my first output. "What do you think I should write next''.

'' It's your will" . I didn't quite get what she meant by ' will '.

And if it is the ' will ' through which she inherits then all she is likely to get is ' love and fresh air' ; considering the scarcity of these two it would be of great value.But then theses days people ' know the price of every thing but the value of nothing'.

''Why don't you write about us, our love for each other, especially our love and concern

for you'' suggested my second output Meera.

I weighed the suggestions. I was still weighing when Meera added '' I have got a poem which will show my concern for you''.

I was curious. I asked her to read it to me which she did ; with the mother, and the other output listening.

'' Please mother don't stab father with a bread knife

Remember it was a gift when you were wed

But if you still want to stab father with a bread knife

Please, mother, use another one for the bread ''

I was moved by the concern of my daughter and her plea to her mother.

I could hear them laughing when I was moving away from the room.

I pictured in my mind; what a happy family picture at breakfast table it would be ; the children, the father, the mother , the bread, and the bread knife which we got as wedding gift.

menon ( aniyan )

Poetry on poverty.

" Is this the poem ?''. He asked me.

'' Yes. This is the one about which I talked to you'' .I replied.

I do not know whether you have seen a person who is ' weighing his options'. They generally tend to have this serious look for few minutes, and in the minutes to follow, it takes a turn to the lost one. This may last for few seconds or minutes and they get their bearings and return to the original state.

Kochappan went through the afore mentioned stages and returned.He started talking to me.

I would break my narrative here and tell you about this poem.

Readers might remember my attempt at writing the heart rending story of
' The Cat' and the criticism it received. Moving away from the realm of writing in prose about feelings of cats and dogs, I decided to enrich and entertain my readers by writing poetry. The product of my first attempt, is with Kochappan for his opinion.

Back to Kochapps after the break.

'' Writing six or seven sentences, one below the other with a comma at the end of each line does not make it a poem''. he said.
'' Poetry is the powerful flow of emotions recollected in tranquilty''.He pointed his finger on my writing and asked me
'' What do you think this is? You read it yourself and tell me''.

This is the poem I had penned.

'' Ravipuram was the destination,
of Komalam's nnmenon,

Having no money for petrol was his problem,
A matter in which no help came, even from Komalam

' Take a free ride with someone' came the signal from his brain,
and thus went Komalam's menon
In the pillion of his neighbour Simon
To Ravipuram his destination''.

'' Well. What is the 'Theme'? What did you want to convey?. Kochapps waited for my assessment of my own creation.

I couldn't take this belittling my creative output.Yet I answered politely.

'' In this poem I have tried to convey symbolically the helplessness of such men who are poor, and suffering from not having money even to fill petrol in their car, and is forced to seek a free ride from a neighbour.I have been cautious in not describing the mental agony of the man, as against what I had done in describing the feelings of the cat, which you felt would sadden the reader and spoil his day.
Regarding the composition, I have maintained the 2-2-4 combination ( similar to that of a football team formation in a match) in the stanzas with End Rhyming''
I conveyed the matter fairly clearly.

The expression of the hero of '' Psycho'' a movie by Hitchkock, on seeing the ghost at the head of the stair case when he was climbing to the first floor, is considered the best even now, of expressions in that category.

Kochappan's expression on hearing my description ! You can't imagine.
I never thought that my poem would touch him to this extent. He struggled to stand up.Slowly and gingerly he started off towards his bedroom.He said he wanted to retire early.

While walking, in a desparate tone, I heared him muttering

'' Some people are ' wise ' some are 'otherwise' ''.

As it happens sometimes to me , I couldnot quite catch why he said that!

I will ask him tomorrow .........


menon ( aniyan )

I went to Godot

The gate creaked a little.The hinges had rust on it. We all tend gather rust as we age. The gates creak ; we croak. That's the essential difference between men and gates. Well, let's leave gates behind and proceed.Which I did ; towards his portico. The sole intention ?. To get his feed back on my recent writing on 'The Cat' .

His smile, on seeing me, was like ' sunshine on a rainy day ' ; literally and figuratively. After sitting, exchanging pleasantries etc in that order, I asked him about his comments on my writing.

After a pregnant silence he delivered. '' I will quote what Dr.Johnson said in a similar situation. Your manuscript is both original and good. That part which is original is not good and that part which is good is not original.''

'' What do you think would be your reader's reaction?.'' He asked me. '' Be frank'' he added.

" I thought they would have been literally glued to the seat while reading it. I am being frank'' I said with conviction.

The teacher in him woke up, yawned and said '' My dear aniyan, if the brand of the glue were to be Fevicol , manufactured by Pidilite Industries, they may not have been able to stand up from their seat after reading your writing. You should have used the word 'figuratively' instead of ' literally'. Develop precision in use of language''.

'' You think Kulkarni lnt ebg, Guru, or Sekhar will be, on opening their mail,at 7pm, after a tiring day,be interested in reading about a cat( which they have never seen or heard) getting pregnanat and delivering in your wife's cupboard.''

He continued '' Do you know the damage it does to your reputation? By your admitting that your wife is eyeing you with suspicion about the cat's pregnancy''.

He was really concerned about my welfare.'' These people are going to keep their pet animals , like cats ,dogs etc locked in some room, when you visit them, for the fear of these becoming pregnant during your stay there?.''

'' Even George Bush had thought of the after effects of Iraq ; but you didn' t in your case. Iam surprised !'' He stopped.

I donot know wheher you would have seen Mulayam singh Yadav's face when Myavati defeated him in UP. I would have almost looked the same ; defeated look.

I will tell you what I felt like when I was returning home; I felt useless ;
As useless as a pulled tooth !!!

menon ( aniyan )

Kochappan's Awards

'' The year- 1965. The month - November. The venue - Schller Theater, Berlin.
Stood Seaphen Wigger and Horst Bollman doing the roles of Vladimir and Estrogen, in the famous Samuel Beckett's highly acclaimed drama
' Waiting for Godot ' ; A Godot who never comes. The drama is about the fundamental human question of the 'reason and purpose of human existance'.

The year- 2007. The month - June. The venue - The living room of of a small house at Kochi. Sits, and occasionally stands Menon , in front of his computer,
' Waiting for Kochappan ' ; his comments on his attempt at writing; on 'Cats'.
which incidentally, for the time being, is the ' reason and purpose' of his living.But it never came. ''

That is what I would have written had you asked me about my condition now.
Waiting for the Godot who never comes.

On not getting any response from his telephone I rang up Guru, another friend of our's. Guru was his colleague and would know about his whereabouts; hence my call to him.He told me that Kochapps is a member of a committee which decides on promotions and awards for the employees of his organisation, and is busy with the selection process.
''Though he is not an HR man his inclusion in the committee is because he is brilliant and innovative.'' said Guru.

'' Innovative ?''. I asked. I was wondering the role of innovation in award decisions.

'' Yes''.affirmed Guru.

'' Examples , please '' I demanded.

'' Examples?. Take it .'' For the first time he has announced an award for
' Selective Hearing Impairment award' .'' Guru served the example with the same pride as Mallikarjun of Bharath Tourist Home would serve his Masala Dosa .

'' Elucidate '' I went into the British English mode.

'' This award is for ' An employee who excels in at the skill of hearing only what he wants to hear and does that job alone'. Guru gave me the look Mallikarjun used to give me after serving the M dosa.

'' Genius, this Kochappan ! '' I admitted.'' Any more of his genius stuff ? Can you serve one more of those? '' . I asked .

'' Best Dancer of the year award'' said Guru. After taking fairly large measure of air from the atmosphere he continued.

'' This is for 'An employee who has excelled in the art of dancing their way around issues''.

I put the phone down. I bent my head in reverence to Kochappan ; probably for the third time in the last few months.

It has started to rain. I opened the windows wide to let the cold air in. Its the begining of monsoon. I covered myself with a sheet,lay sideways and looked out through the window. Kochappan was never a brilliant student in school or for that matter even in college. Aren't you being jealous ?. I asked myself .

No. he himself had told me this " I had failed in 10th standard once because of Pneumonia. Not because I had it but because I could not spell it''.

See where he is now. Internal Audit, Awards committee etc.

The rain is coming down heavily now. I could hear the croaks ; the frogs were welcoming the rains. I shall try Kochapps tomorrow. Will it be another wait for Godot;the man who never came?

Let's see ........


menon ( aniyan )

The Cat

' I have been seeing this cat ; a young and good looking one walking around my house. I had felt that it is not so safe for a young one to walk around the way this one did. why should I be bothered?. I left it at that.

That was not to be so.

I started noticing this Tom boy loitering around the same area. I could see glances being exchanged and a relationship building up. Why should I be bothered?. I left it at that again.

That was not to be so.

The next time I saw the cat she was pregnant. I was a bit worried.

Why should you be?. You might ask.

Five months back another cat, which went through the same love affair, gave birth to three; unfortunately in my wife's cupboard. Short of blaming me for the cat's pregnancy , my wife blamed me for every thing that cat did in my house.

And now another delivery looming large in the horizon ? . I was anxious.

Days seemed longer and nights sleepless. Finally one morning I heard the 'Meoow' sound from the sun shade. I climbed up and saw the mother and three outputs of her ' Love's Labour ' together ; happy and relaxed ; as relaxed 'as poached eggs on toast'.

Till this point things were smooth ; like the first half of a Hindi movie; boy,girl, love, marriage,pregnancy,delivery etc.

Then the plot thickened ; not as thick as Achutanandan - Pinarayi ,
the Jesudas - Guruvayoor temple entry ones, or even as the Govt owned plots in Munnar. But thick enough.

Yesterday morning my wife interrupted my sleep, like rain did during the Test match at Dhaka. The reason? the cat again.

The cat had moved its family of three from the sunshade, the ' Labour Room', to the ' Pay Ward ' ; my wife's cupboard again.
Operation evacuation started.I shifted the Kitten from the Pay Ward to a completely sheltered portion outside;near the porch. The cat sensing our un willingness to accomodate them carried them to another shelter.''

The door bell rang. I stopped writing.

'' Writing ? Writing what ?. You might ask.

I wanted to improve my writing skills and had asked Kochappan to help.After the World cup I rang him up one week back, and for a beginning he told me to make a short write up on an actual incident in real life in recent times which touched me the most. Hence this one on the cat.

What is touching about it ? you might ask. I continued writing. I have to mail this to him today.

'' Today at about 6 in the morning I heard the cry of a cat outside my bedroom at the backyard.It was not a cry; it was a lament, a wail ; a plaintive mourn of grief.
The sort which un settles you. I, tiptoed to the back yard without waking up my wife. It was the same cat. It stood closer to a thin metal sheet over a pile of coconut shells. I gently lifted the sheet. Staring at me were the brown eyes of a dark Tomcat.It looked at me for few seconds and ranaway. When we were young we have heard of the stories of tomcats tendency to kill and eat the offsprings.
I looked at the kitten.They were not eaten.

They were still. I looked at them closely.There were bite marks around it's neck.
There were dried drops of blood. I saw them cuddling and nestling in the cupboard few hours back. I stood still.

I looked at the queen cat. It was still making that inarticulate moaning sound.
It looked at me straight. I felt guilty. I walked back, turned and looked at that cat .

It was there . For me it was not just a cat standing there wailing in grief.

It was a mother. I saw in it's eyes the look of a mother ; the agony, the anguish, and hatred of a mother.''

menon (aniyan)

Summer rain

It's 11.30 pm.I looked out through the window. I could see the trees at a distance; bathed in street light.The air was still; It's hot; its summer.

I could hear the wail of an ambulance passing through the main street. It slowly died down as it sped away.' No. Iam not afraid of death.Only thing is I don't want to be there when it's happening' said Woody allen. Was Allen speeding away from it in the ambulance when it was happening or was he going for that to happen ?.

The 'Midsummer night's dream' of Indian cricket fans turned into 'Midsummer night's nightmare'.

I looked out through the window ; hoping to see the flashes of lightening, to hear the distant rumble of thunder.

Last time I sat with him it rained heavily; we were sitting in the portico of his house; it was the day of Ireland's match.

I saw the first flash of lightening. Cold breeze blew in . And then came the rain drops. I could hear them falling on the metal sheet. Like the fingers of Allarakha on the Tabla or

Palakkad Mony on the Mridangam. It followed a rhythm, a pattern.

Gradually it began to fall heavily. I looked out through the window. I could see the trees bathed in street light ; they glistened. Water started dripping from the leaves. Cool air blew in.

The last time I was with him was one month ago.It rained on that day too.

'A fanatic is one who won't change his mind and won't change his subject' said Winston Churchil.

I should contact him tomorrow. It has been quite some time !

menon (aniyan)

Kochapps' condoms

Though I was convinced that Kochapps was testing my patience , I didnot return his call.

I learn a lot from him and I have followed his teachings by putting it to use whenever I can.

But the results have not been encouraging all times.

'' Examples?''

''Well here is one; as recent as on 31/03''.

I used to grumble about the high rate of House tax I pay every year.Kochapps used to tell me not to grumble and to pay taxes with smile. I told my younger brother, with an instruction, to pay the house tax with smile ; but he returned saying that they insisted on paying it in cash !

Since Kochapps has high opinion of the LDF he used to tell me that under their rule the red tapism of bureaucracy will be less.My experience with a sales tax officer was different.

I told him about it. Then he tells me that bureaucrats has begun to cut the red tape;lengthwise.

But in theorey what he had told was correct;in practise it's different.Reflecting on few other things he had told I felt that they are true in theorey and practise.

'' Politicians like Pinarai Vijayan will lay down your life for the good of his country.''

Another one which literally and figuratively true, and I remember with reverence is a slogan he wrote about condoms. This had to be very subtle but convey the meaning ,for 'Sex Education' to be introduced in schools in Kerala.

Describing the role of a condom in Family Planning he wrote:

A condom: - Stands up to inflation

- Halts production

- Destroys next generation

- Protects a bunch of pricks

- Gives one a sense of security while screwing others.

Product of sheer genius; I forgot the cabbage and other insults. I rushed to his place.

He opened the door. He tapped me on my back and smiled.

The match between Newzeland and Ireland is about to start. Out side it started to drizzle.

Gentle cold breeze brought the April temperature down.

His wife brought coffee and while leaving the room asked me casually.' Aniyan. why did you leave early yesterday? Is there any thing on between you and him?'' Without waiting for an answer she left the room.

I was reminded of an answer Marilyn Munroe gave to a correspondent.

'' No it's not true that I didnot have any thing on in the photo session.I had the radio on ''

Between Kochapps and me there was nothing on; except the TV.

It started raining heavily out side.

The first ball of the Ireland innings was being bowled ......

menon ( aniyan )

Kochappan's phone call

Kochapps and I see the telecast of cricket matches most of the nights. Occasions for meaningful conversations have been few. Today the match was delayed and conversation ultimately came to humour in British English.I enjoy houmour and jokes; even if it'sabout me; but not today.

I was angry and I left his house.

''Why,What happened?''. you might ask.

I will tell you. '' He could have told me what he wanted to tell me straight. Instead of conveying it in the form of quotation of jokes; not in all but through some .

King George 1 of England was travelling by a coach in the continent and stopped at a country inn where he was charged a prepostrous sum for a simple meal with three eggs.

''Are eggs so scarce in this part of the country?'' he asked with sarcasm.

'' No your Majesty'', replied the innkeeper '' But Kings are.''

''Aniyan, here is one which I have wanted to tell you many times''.said Kochapps.

'' Why don't you tell me now. what is it ?'' I was curious.

' A notorious bore to Oscar Wilde:

'' I passed by your house yesterday''

'' Thank you so much'' said Wilde

Bernard Shaw wanted to put down a society snob and so asked her whether she would go to bed with a man for 500 dollars.The lady smiled and said with contempt ' well it would depend on how good looking he is'.

' 'Would you do that for 10 dollars?'' enquired Shaw.

'' What do you take me for?'' the lady turned serious and burst out.

'' We have already settled that question'' Shaw said drily.'' All we are discussing now is the price''.

'' Aniyan this is something which I have thought of telling you on many occasions'' said Kochapps.

'' What is it''. I was eager to hear a word of appreciation or praise from him.

' Oscar wilde was standing in the foyer of a theater on the first night of one of his plays, receiving flowers and bouquets, when one who wanted to humiliate him gave a rotten cabbage.

'' Thank you my dear fellow'' said Wilde, '' Every time I smell it I shall be reminded of you''.

'' Nobody has ever told me that I smell like a vegetable nor should he thank me for passing by his house'' Iam deeply hurt.

''You know him he would have said that to irritate you, he will phone you up to pacify you'' You might say.

I may not be Wilde or Shaw but my English also is not bad. I left a message in my answering machine to show that Komala is also upset.

'' My wife and I cannot come to the phone right now , but you leave your number so that

We might get back to you as soon as we are finished''

As Soon as we finished , I and my wife looked for his call and it was there in the answering machine !!!

menon (aniyan)

Kochappan's Man of the Match

Because of the the examination of his son and his internal audits towards the year end, I had restrained myself from contacting him.But today I decided to go to his place before the cricket match telecast starts;between Englad and Ireland.

''Haven't heard much about Ireland'' I thought aloud.

'' But they have have made the exit of Pakistan and woolmer easy'' said kochappan.

'' Tragic; the exit of both'' my comment was short.

Who would you blame for India's exit?'' Kochapps asked.

'' I don't know. May be Greg or Tendulkar'' I remarked casually.

' Indira Gandhi'' Kochappan said .

''Indira Gandhi?'' I couldn't make out the connection.

'' Yes! She had a big role in the formation of Bangladesh'' !!! ''This is not my opinion; its the joke going'' he added.

'' We don't know much about Ireland but they know about us.'' Kochappan continued.

'' When I spoke to crowd of three hundred people they were shaking their head from side to side which in Ireland will equate to a very loud verbal No. But I understand that here in India

it is the other way ; showing agreement or approval''. Kochappan paused.

''who said that'' I asked.

''Eugiene Houston. He, on behalf of five companies,on a recruitment drive,gave a talk on cultural aspectsof Ireland to job aspirants and applicants who had assembled in the conference hall of a hotel at Bangalore.''

''India has become a knowledge source.Has it not?'' I was proud .

'' Yes but in cricket we are an exaggerated side. The national pride overtakes objective analysis.'' Kochapps commented.

We carried on conversation on cricket and it obviously came to Gavaskar's comment on Australian sledging and the reactions. Kochappan agreed with Gavaskar's comments fully.

'' They do it beyond levels of decency . Once when Botham came to the crease Marsh welcomed him with these friendly query '' So how is your wife and my kids?''.

'' But have they not got it back in the same coin any time?'' I asked.

Kochapps gave me two instances of that happening. When I was driving back home I remembered the instances and the words.

'' Why are you so fat'' Macgrath taunted Eddy Brandes of Zimbabwe who was knocking the ball around.

'' Because everytime I made love to your wife, she gave me biscuits'' was Eddy's reply.

''What does Brian's di*k taste like'' was Macgrath's question to Sarwan.

'' I don't know ask your wife'' was Sarwan's reply.

Gavaskar would have awarded the 'Man of the Match' to Sarwan for that !!

menon (aniyan)

Kochapps and the Exchange Offer

By the time I reached his house I was sweating ; it was very sultry, but not as sultry as the heroine I had in mind for Liz's role,in my proposed movie.I couldn't discuss any thing with him as he had a guest, an ardent worker and member of the CPI(M), from Kannur.I joined their conversation; over a cup of hot tea.

Kochapps son is appearing for his final exams and the topic of conversation turned to education.

Kochapps mentioned in general about the burden of studies and exams on children these days.

'' But in Kerala things are different. We the LDF ministry has Out -Of -Box thinking. They have, to raise funds for sports education, started 'Sports Lottery'. This year they have done something similar in SSA exams. It induces bit of adventure, luck and less burden for students.'' The man from Kannur said

'' That is interesting'' Kochappan showed his interest. '' Kerala always comes up with

un imaginable things.Tell me more about it'' he pleaded.

'' Some bundles of question papers , which were sent from the press at Trivandrum to various exam centres, were loosely tied and sent through open trucks so that question papers which fly off the lorry could be picked by the lucky ones, and write the exam without preparation. Some students from Kayamkulam, Kottayam, and Thalassery got this lottery of question papers from the road and did well in the exams. We termed it 'Out- Of -Box' thinking because papers came out of the box from the lorry.''

I don't think any one of us would have been lucky enough to see Mr.Einstein or Mr. Darwin sitting back after having accomplished their respective inventions.That man from Kannur demonstrated that after his soliloquy.

After telling us about few more achievements of LDF ministry he left both of us; alone together.

Pregnant silence hung in the air for few seconds ; it fell and broke later on. On his leaving

Kochapps commented thus '' I like long walks especially when it is taken by people like him''.

'' I will walk with you upto the busstop'' he offered. We walked past the shops which were closing for the day. Traffic was thin. I wanted to talk about my film to him but refrained

from doing so. Because, for all you know , when Iam gone he might say ' some people spread happiness whereever they go, and some whenever they go'.

Near the stadium where I get down to go home 'Fab Mall' has a hoarding , like the Amul or Air India ones, announcing new schemes and bargains. The one painted today read

' We exchange everything , Ovens, Wasing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along

and get a wonderful bargain. '

I should tell Kochapps to come with his wife, along with me and Komala to see what they offer in exchange !!

That offer goes anyone of you too !

Menon (aniyan)

Kochappan & My movie - ' Hurley and Nayar'

Let me share a secret with you. Of late I have been dreaming of make a movie !. Inspiration came from none other than you know who;especially his talk about actors and films.

I decided to present the matter for his opinion. i mustered up all the courage and did that.

'' I want to make a film''. In one sentence I gave it to him.I didnot look at him after delivering the blow.

As usual silence fell; without any breakages.

'' How did you get this idea ?'' the control in his voice was obvious. I could'nt control it any longer. I opened my heart out to him and poured forth; like John Keats did in 'Ode to nightingale'

'' My inspiration is from your tallk and the story reported in paper about the saga of marriage between Liz Hurley and Arun nayar.''

''Who are they?. Tell me how they inspired you.'' (to put it in a sequence) He asked and then said.

We Menons always put things in sequence ; force of habit. I requested his rapt attention as the story is little complicated. He agreed and I served it on a platter.

We Menons always serve in platters.

''It all started with LIz Hurtely's birth, growing to girl, becoming an adult, and finally a model and an actor at London.Almost at the same time another birth,that of Arun Nayar, took place in Sussex, and he also went through same stages of boy,adult etc but became a web designer. Till this point the story is fairly simple;just an example of two different people being born in different parts of U.K ( where Queen Elezabeth sat in the thorn for long years without injury) and growing in different directions like I and Kochappas.'' I paused and looked at him. He was listening. Encouraged, I continued.or I continued, encouraged; your choice.

'' Now the plot thickens a bit. Liz gets married to actor Hugh Grant and they live happily.

In Sussex Arun Nayar also gets married to an Italian actress , Valentina Petroni, and live happily.Years passed by, or fell off the caledar of their life without much noise.We Menons don't like noises even in stories.

The plot thickens. '' Hugh Grant, finding life little monotonous,started relaxing with Ms Hussley, another actress with un-developed mind and developed body.Almost at the same time Liz also finds her life bit monotonous , and starts relaxing with Steve Bing who produced movies.Steve Bing and Liz, in a joint venture, produced David their son.''

I had a glass of water and a peg of fresh air and continued.The plot thickens and darkens.

'' Meanwhile in Sussex, Petroni leaves her marriage, and Arun Nayar and proceeds in search of inner peace.Arun comes to London and sits on the banks of RiverThames.

Feeling little bit lonely ,he sings an old Mukesh number and after finishingthe song, spots Liz sitting alone singing a Stevie wonder number. Their lonely hearts understand each other. They relax in each other's company and decides to get married.Finally after going through litigations of divorces in their respective lives they get married, and the story ends with their arriving Palam airport in Delhi to board another Deccan Airways flight to Jaipur for honeymoon''

I didnot look at Kochappan. I didn't have the courage to do so. I waited for some response.

'' This is the story of your movie?'

'' Yes''.

'' Hmm, hmm''.came the response; that was like cold water in Sahara. I looked at him . he had a
faint smile on his lips.

''What next?'' He enquired. '' have you thought of a producer, director, cast crew etc for this?''

I have few people in my mind.and reluctantly I told him '' I will request Guru to produce the movie. The story of course is mine. Lyrics can be jointly written by two talents; Guru's wife and Jayashree. Both have written and proven to be good. I have the ad man Ravee in Arun's role. Iam yet to think of other actors, music director, director, hugh grant, Petroni etc.''

'' Come what may I will make a great movie and people are going to like it; like they accepted Padmarajan's , Basuchatterji's, or Maniratnam's movies'' I added .

He smiled and I left him to meet him on Monday. He didnot discourage me totally. But I didnot understand one statement he made about my comparison with Padmarajan etc.

'' Aniyan, people may not know much about cinema making, but they defenitely know

Chicken shit from Chicken salad''.

I didnot understand what has chicken got to do with my movie.

Anyway I will clarify on Monday.!!!

Menon ( aniyan )

Kochappan's Theresa

Kochappan was on leave for last two days ; he was red in his eyes; no , not because of Anna Nicole. He got over it with determination and courage; but because of some infection.

I found him famished for news because of his inablity te read newspaper. I offered to read out the major news items to him; he was happy.

'' NEWS is information from ' North,East, West and South' '' he said. That was news to me.

I read out about Chidambaram's Budget to him. '' Projects and measures envisaged are so many and commendable, but how will be the deliverence of them to common man is to be seen'' was his comment.

His thirst for knowledge and news of various subjects made me read through political, economic and social news. Then came the question I was expecting.

''Any thing about Anna Nicole's burial?'' he asked.The melancholy in his voice was apparent.

'' The mystery about her death has been solved. She slipped on a banana skin and fell on the floor of hotel room. Police found a badly smashed banana skin from her room. Since the NewYork Police Department is good in Arithmetics, they added two and two together and got four and the cause of her death.'' I paused and waited till he swallowed the lump in his throat with a sip of lime juice, and after having witnessed the afore mentioned activity in silence I continued.

'' For the sake of clarity of the reason of her death ,a suitable inscription was made on her tomb'' I informed.

'' How does it read?'' he was eager.

'' Here lies the body of Anna

Done to death by a banana

It was'nt the fruit that laid her low

But the skin of the thing that made her go''

For a person whose first love has been language , Kochappan lit up ; If one has not seen the 'Makara Jyothi' , the mysterious lamp which lightens up at Sabarimala, Kochappan's' lighting up' is a sanctimonious substitute.The darkness gave way to light of British English on the tomb stone.

To be very frank, Kochappan restored himself to his old self , after a long time.

'' In Britain, in the year 2001, more than 300 banana related accidents took place. India, the largest producer of Banana in the world (16.5 million tones in 2002), followed by Brazil( 6.5 million), has not reported as many accidents''.

Be it Banana or Atom bomb Kochappan knows it all.

I stood up to leave. He also had to go to the doctor.I promised to meet him and read the paper for him tomorrow

'' Aniyan, There was a spinster Post Mistress, Theresa, in my village. Do you know what was the insription on her tomb?''.

Without waiting for any reaction from me he quoted.

'Theresa the Post mistress

Returned - un opened'

I was unusually happy when I returned ; not because of the state in which Theresa returned but because of the state to which Kochapps has returned.

menon (aniyan)

Kochappan, Anna nicole smith and the Fwd: [4TheLadsandGeezers] Anna...

There was a call from kochappan. He wanted me to see him in the evening on my way back from office.He sounded bit disturbed. He signalled me into the office room. His computer was booted .

He does internal audit of his organisation's accounts and himself.

'' Do you remember my being upset about the death of Anna Nicole Smith?'' He asked me.

'' Yes I do remember'' I confirmed. '' You also categorised actors by the part the anatomy

that contributes to their acting'' I added.

'' I got some more news about her passing away. She had been to the church on sunday and sang ' I will not pass this way again' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.''

He paused;sneezed and continued.'' she was admitted to the hospital in the evening ' she had trouble sleeping that night and requested for a tape of Fr.Gonsalves's sermons''

He paused; coughed and continued '' Police found an invitation from her church in her room.

' An evening of super entertainment and gracious hospitality dinner at 8pm;prayer

and medication to follow ' was the content.'' She had dinner, prayed, medicated and died thereafter in the hospitality ward of the church hospital.''

He paused ; audited his feelings and continued '' There was only one mistake in my analysis; that she belonged to the ' Behind' category actors''.

'' What category was she then ?'' I asked.

He paused;choked with emotion and continued to tell me the last line for the day.

''She used to act from her chest.See the picture below'', and retired hurt for the day.

menon (aniyan)

Kochappan's thumb rule

Having suffered two falls caused by my improvements in English, and the examples of the academic brilliance of the saucy Bipansha, kochappan approached me with appreciable caution and diligence, the like of which, according to his learned wife, he has never shown in the recent past.

Kochappan, in his inmitable style, would have decribed the sentence I have written above, as a glorious example of ' verbal diarrhoea and costipated ideas'.

Now that I have made a maiden attempt at perambulation of the Dr.Johnson variety, let me come down to the reality show.

We settled down with a cup of tea. I was keen on avoiding quoting film actresses to avoid further instances of gravitational pull , primarily considering the safety of the ceramic tiles of the flooring , on which, Kochappan is likely to find solace.

'' How is Komala and her school?'' He asked me. '' It must be tough teaching Social science

to students most of whom may not have a liking for it''.

'' I also thought so'' I told him."But she says that most of the students commit some spelling mistakes and misunderstanding of the meaning of few words here and there, but they all do well in their exams''.

He, being meticulous and studious, wanted examples.

'' About Napolean, they mention that he was a well known man but a bit unlucky.' Napolean wanted to have a heir to inherit his power but since Josephine was a ' baroness' she could not bear children for him'.'' I gave an example.

Kochappan was not satisfied with one. I gave him another one ; in fact two; of wrong spelling and confusion of ideas

'' Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest precedent and his mother died in infancy'' Was one, followed by one on Columbus.

'' Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic''

I looked at kochapps .Therewas no sign of any gravitational pull occuring. I was happy.

'' The thumb rule is that a Bhavans student is hall mark gold'' . I concluded.

He walked with me to the gate and then suddenly asked me '' Do you know what is real 'Thumb Rule' ?''.

I admitted ignorance.

'' It's an old English Law which states that you cannot hit your wife with anything broader than a thumb''. He continued '' It refers to rough and ready practical experience in getting things done.For eg, one can use the first joint of a thumb to measure one inch, the distance from the tip of the nose to the out stretched finger is roughly a yard and the width of the palm and closed thumb, is four inches'' . He stopped and smiled.

I felt like taking a walk. I walked along the pavement of the broad street. The recently done up , well lit street looked neat and wide. There was hardly any traffic. The street stretched in front of me; stretching itself for some sleep after bearing the load of life for a full tiring day.

I thought of Kochappan and all the conversations with him. I remembered the saying

' Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; I just gargled'.

There was no noise of traffic; the street was tired, drowsy and was in slumber. I ambled along ; without making noise, silently.........

menon ( aniyan )

Kochappan and Bipansha !

Anne Nicole smith is dead.

I was shocked. kochappan was also shocked. He had two shocks in a row; the first one because of my English, for which he fell, and now, this.How can he bear this tragedy !. I wanted to know more about his analysis of actresses and their talent. Anne Nicole of Hollywood died, for no particular reason, in a hotel room in Las Vegas.

'' Aniyan. They are no more 'actresses'; they are called actors to remove gender bias.Facial expression and effective delivery of dialogue are the assets an actor should necessarily have.

But now you can emote through any part of your anatomy.'' He stopped and went into thoughts ;about Anne nicole's anatomy.

Like William Wordsworth remembering the sight of the Daffodils: '' In vacant or in pensive mood they flashed upon the inward eye which is the bliss of solitude'', Kochappan went into inward eye searching for Anne Nicole smith. I woke him up, and with a sad face he continued.

'' Now lot of actresses, sorry, actors, leave others behind by, by their ' behinds' ;cameras zoom in on the emotions of their 'behinds' instead of their face. Anne nicole, Britney Spears all belong to this school of acting : something like the 'Lucknow gharana' in Hindustani classical music.''

Kochappan always believed in giving apt examples; hence the reference to the 'Gharanas'.

He was preparing to go to Anne Nicole again in line with Wordsworth , but I prevented him from doing so.

'' The others are those whose forte is acting from their heart, anatamically, their chest.

Sophia Loren, Elezabeth Taylor etc belonged to this.Priyanka Chopra, Mallika Shekhawath, Bipansha Basu all belong to this school''.

"But actors like Bipansha are knowledgable and intelligent'' I told him.

He had a sarcastic smile on his face.

I knew that kochappan had little opinion of the knowledge of filmi people. I told him that I can cite instances of their proving it in Quiz programmes. He challenged me to cite one example and I told him about Bipansha's answers in 'Kaun banega Crorepathi' on valentine's day.

He nodded and I gave it to him. Bipansha in KBC on Valentine's Day.

Who are 'Romans' ?Pat came her reply ''They are people who never stay at one place itself''

she won Rs.10000.

Kochappan was not convinced. I gave another sample.

''Who was Milton ? ''. Pat came the reply. '' Milton was that poet who wrote 'Paradise lost' and when his wife died wrote '' Paradise Regained'' .

She won Rs.20000/

kochappan moved a littile - in agreement with me.

'' Why is Brtish Empire called a land where the sun never sets?''

Pat came the reply .'' Because the British Empire is in the east and the sun sets in the west''

She added little more '' Queen Victoria was the longest Queen and she sat in the thorn for 63 years. Her death was the final event which ended her reign''

She won Rs40000/ for the answer and an adiitional Rs.60000 for the additional information.

He could'nt bear the weight of the knowledge of the actor.

He moved closer to me.

The last question before the hooter was - '' who invented the Principle of Gravity?''

Pat ---- --- -----.

'' Issac Walton . It is chiefly noticable during autumn when apples are falling off trees''

She won Rs. 2 lakhs.

Kochappan could'nt bear it any longer ! ,

For the second time, in this week, he fell ; silently !!!

menon (aniyan)

Kochappan's Fall

By the time I reached his house it Thirty minutes past Six .I wanted to tell him that I will be away at Calicut till Sunday, to do a training programme for 6th semester students on

'Career Craft' at NIT for MA Foi academy. He was extremely happy that Iam engaged in these activities.

'' Do you still write copy for the designers and the ad agency'' He asked.

'' Yes. I have written some more slogans for them and this time I have taken care to see that my English is good. thanks to you.'' I answered with joy.

I knew that he was ready to go for a wedding reception and was in a bit of a hurry.I asked him whether he will just glance at two or three one liners I had written.For me he will delay anything. He agreed.

First one was for a USHA brand toaster ; a one liner to attract tthe attention; a point of purchase display.

' A Gift that every member of the family appreciates ; automatically burns toast '

kochappan read it and there was this silence ; the one which falls without noise.

'' Making a toast would be better than 'Burning' a toast ; both for writing and eating.'' He suggested.

We Menons take good suggestions without questioning.

The General Manager needed a ' WANTED' notice to be pasted in the shop entrance for getting some girls from 6.PM to 9.Pm to work in their fruits and vegetables section.

I gave one - ' WANTED - Unmarried girls to pick up fresh fruits and produce at night'

Kochappan appreciated the correctness of my English but suggested a comma after produce, to give it the correct meaning. The other one, Kochappan said, would give an impression to people, that Varkey's is starting a breeding centre or a production centre.

We Menons ---- ----- ----------- ------- -----------.

The other one was for their manufacturing and packing unit.

' WANTED - Fifty girls for stripping machine operators in the factory'. Kochappan looked at it.

That thing fell again ; without noise.

'' Fifty girls as 'stripping-machine' operators would be more acceptable for a factory. Your English is good, but that would be apt for a cabaret joint'' . He opined.

The third one was for the same department store but for a social cause; sale of used clothes of the women members of of the church nearby;proceeds of which will be for the orphanage.

' SALE - Ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement'.

This time Kochappan fell ; with a thud sound !

This time also it was a question of a missing hyphen !!!

menon (aniyan)

Kochappan's silence

The train reached Bangalore Central 7.30.AM ; late by half an hour.
Kochappan may be have been waiting for my arrival at the main entrance for more than an hour. I hurried towards him.

when we were moving towards the exit we could see a huge gathering trying to force their way into the platform. On quieries we were told that they were protestors of the 'Cauvery water disputes tribunal's decision to allot more water to T nadu. The sleeping journalist in me woke up.I drew out my video camera and moved towards the protestors to get responses from them on the issue.

I asked my first question to a malayalee looking boy. He had come to B'lore to appear for a written test and an interview for admission to some management institute.

'' What are you doing here among them?'' I asked him.

''Protesting against the Cauvery issue''

'' How is Kerala connected and why are you doing it here in B'lore'' I was surprised !

'' You people don't read newspapers and are not bothered. Look at the people here. Even Kannadigas are concerened about Cauvery issue''

'' What are you talking ? my surprise grew in geometric proportion.

'' Saar, Cauvery the famous film and TV artist was blackmailed by another TV actress and it has put Cauvery in lot of mental agony. This had come in all Malayalam newspapers. These people are expressing their solidarity with her and as a Malayalee Iam joining them in the protest''.

I explained to him that these two Cauveries are different ;one is 'Kaveri' and the other one is 'Cauvery'. and also told him that the Kerala one is filmy. and the T' nadu one is river.

Having understood the difference between the two issues he repented losing an oppurtunity to go into 'strike' ; and went to the cafeteria.

'' Why are you not stopping the buses,autos ,etc from plying? that would have given you more publicity'' I asked the leader of 'Kannada Cheluvali ( vattal faction) who directed the episode.

'' Stopping the city buses, autos etc would have affected lot of old people , women and children ; by stopping trains only those who are leaving Bangalore will be affected'' He said.

I bent my head in reverence, for his love for the common man of Bangalore ; probably for the first time to somebody other than Kochappan and the Guru at Bangalore.

We went into the cafeteria to avoid the rush. There we met the Kaveri fan. He was bit let down; of losing an oppurtunity to join a protest.

I walked up to him and told him "If you can catch a train to kerala today I can suggest two hartals in which you can participate and make up the loss.''

''Please tell me sir'' He requested, pleaded,begged, etc, etc

'' At Changanassery a hartal has been declared by the trustees of The Siva Temple,in protest, against the temple elephant, running amock (because it got scared by noise of the crackers) during the festival procession yesterday.Timing is from 6.AM to 6.PM''

I stole a glance at Kochappan and continued. '' At Varkala near Trivandrum two youth died when their bike dashed against a tanker lorry. Earlier these boys did not stop the bike when they were waved to stop by the police for routine check.People blame the police and there is hartal for that from 6.AM for six hours.''

'' How was your test for admission'' Kochappan asked waiting for the crowd outside to disperse.

'' I lost number of days of preparation for the test because commitments to attend different hartals and bandh. But It was multiple choice answers and I did well.''

He wanted to know about some of the answers he wrote.One question he felt confused and answered wrong; the one on'Ten Commandments'-

Kochappan told him that Ten Commandments are not mutiple choices but an answer to one question.

He was very confident about the others. One example he gave to kochappan about his creativity in answering was on the expansion of the letters IBM. The ones he chose from the given options were the first and the last one.

Install Big Memories,

It's Better Manually.

International Business Machines.

Institute of Broken Marriages.

Inferior but marketable

''Those instances for hartal ; Are they true ?'' Kochappan asked me with concern.

''Yes. refer the Manorama news paper '' I affirmed .

A look of concern came to his face ; probably about 96% literacy level ; about God's own country.

The rest of our journey to our Guru's home at Jakkur was in silence.

menon ( aniyan )

Kochappan's punctuation !

Merryl Streep had tremendous crush over 'The Beatles' and their music.

In her speech after receiving the Oscar award for the best actress , she recollected her experience of going to a 'Beatles concert' few miles away from Los Angeles. She couldnot afford a seat in the front, near the stage. '' I was sitting so far away in the back row some where in the stadium, from I could see the city of Los Angeles closer and better ''.

Iam no Oscar stuff ,but I could see the ' Vadkunnathan Temple ' of Thrissur closer from the Cochin Airport. One should have far sightedness to see Cochin from Cochin Airport.

While I was waiting for Kochapps arriving from Hyderabad, the board which read

' Domestic Terminal' caught my attention. If air travel is considered safe then why is it called 'Terminal'. I will ask Kochapps.

We were meeting after some gap now. Excitement was in the air along with the stink of the

garbage; undisposed, owing to the lorry transport hartal, showing respect to departed soul of Saddam Hussain.

Literacy level is 96% in Kerala ; we respond to international issues.

We met at the terminal.We hugged and embraced each other and made up for the small separation we had ; some thing similar to what was done by that British dental nurse and Shilpa Shetty. In the above mentioned act the generously endowed Jade goody would have been a better proposition than Kochapps.Endowments of Kochappan is above the shoulders,

unlike Jade goody's ! Each has it's own advantages !!

We were in the car towards to Ernakulam.

''Is the law and order situation very good now? his question was more like a lawyer's.

'' what makes you think it's so?. I countered like Soli Sorabjee.

'' Hardly any police men on the road'' he observed ; like Justice R.N.Lakhotia.

'' They have all been deployed for the security of Narendra Modi who visited Trivandrum yesterday for a meeting organised by BJP.He has to be provided Z category protection; especially because of various threats on his life.'' I submitted the affidavit.

''I hope there was no mess like the pilot car of Prime minister going the wrong way like last time''. he wanted clarification.

'' It was not that serious this time. It was some minor problem with the bullet proof car he was to travel'' I said

'' What was it " he continued his questioning.

'' The rear door of the bullet proof car was not closing properly ; that's all''

'' What a shame ! '' he exclaimed from his seat.

'' We are not the US to have General Motors Cadillac DTs for their President, which carries 2425lb of armour , has splinter proof glass poly carbonate windows 60mm thick:and the door was purposely kept not to close fully.'' I continued with fervour.

'' Purposely?'' he expressed disbelief.

'' In case of an attack, Modi can emit from the car, with half open door than fully closed one.''

I explained the logic.

Silence fell with little noise.

'' You should show more care in use of punctuations in your writings like the ones in your reports of the sales coference held in the hotel.'' Kochapps is coming live.

''Like what'' I raised my eyebrows; nothing much to be raised; still I raised them.

'' Some where in your report you had written '' The travel desk man stood in the doorway and called the guests names''.

''Yes. He did. To tell the guests to board the bus to go for sightseeing''

'' Travel desk man cannot call guests names. There should have been an apostrophee in

the word ' guest's names' to mean what you said.

Silence fell once again.

'' You don't feel bad about my correcting you . Do you?'' He asked me with concern.

'' No! please correct me whenever you can'' I said earnestly.

Then shall tell about one more in that report?''.

''Please '' I pleaded.

'' you had written '' In the restaurant I saw a man-eating lobster''. That hyphen would have caused lot of alarm had it really happened''. He smiled.

This morning when I opened the newspaper one heading caught my attention.

'' Mother to be stabbed to death in broad daylight''

At 2.30pm Iam still wondering whether it is a ' murder forecast' for the day or whether it is a

case of missing hyphen.

menon ( aniyan )

Kochapps ! This is my English !!!

I got a call from Kochapps requesting me to meet him at his house before returning home from office.He sounded concerned.I too was concerned;that made it two 'concerned people'

I accepted the tea he offered me conveniently.After Weather, Achutanandan,Condeleza rice,

George Bush in that order he came to the topic.

'' Komala had called me today. She was very upset." said kochappan.

'' Was it stomach''. I did'nt expect any other reason. Kochappan sometimes suggests these Ayurvedic remedies. She would have called to find out.

"No. you caused great embarrasment for her''. He said

The only embarrasment I have caused her was becoming her husband. But that was twenty five years ago. What now?

I transferred that question to Kochapps with innocence.

''Did you volunteer to help her write some information to be put up in her school notice

board?''

'' Yes. She was reluctant to let me write it for her.I blamed her for not recogonising my proficiency in English and my inimitable style of writing. Finally she agreed .I wrote it and she took it.'' I explained.

Kochappan said. '' Without reading it she gave it to be put up in the school notice board.

It read

'' The VIII th standard students will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the school auditorium on the 16th at 6pm.

All students and parents are requested to attend this tragedy.''

I got irritated. "'What is wrong? Show me the mistake.'' I challenged.

We Menons donot like being questioned on our strengths ; one of them Queens English.

I stood up. '' I had written one more and given. Didn't she tell you about that ? I know she won't. Because it was better than this one. That was another notice for parents.

' For those of you who have children and don't know about it We have a nursery down stairs'

By than I was worked up and furious.'' You are jealous of my language.'' I shouted and stormed out of his house.

The traffic was slow. A private bus had run over a pedestrian killing him on the spot.

Policing is ineffective . Buses run amock. I will write a article on the worsening traffic in the city.and it's title would be

' Private buses killing hundreds a year. Let's resolve to do better'

Let Kochappan read it tomorrow feel jealous of my English !!!

menon ( aniyan )

Explorer slept in jesus

My internet explorer was found in a motionless state in the morning of 26th.

Queries revealed that it is as a result of consuming the Trivandrum brand 'Jesus christ' on the 25th night.

'' What is your processor ?'' Kochappan asked me.

"Intel'' I replied.

'' Have you reported about it to 'Intel' ''

''No .I said.

''You should.You should make more noise to get it rectified '' he ordered.

'' More noise?''

'' Bob Noyce and Gordon Moore,the founders wanted to name their company

as ' Moore& Noyce'. But it was suggested that that name will sound like 'more noise'.

So the finally they bought the name ' Integrated electronics' for $15000 from another company and shortened it into 'Intel' . So make more noise to get it booted to life.

It's implicit obedience when it comes Kochappan's orders. I didnot tell Kochapps about the 'Jesus christ' angle to it.

The resurrection is expected soon !!!

menon ( aniyan ) - Even my emoticon smile has slept in Jesus !!!

kochappan and the missing Hyphen

By the time I reached Koratty it was Five in the evening.I walked through the road, crossed the railway line, and reached the market.That's where he had told me the car will be.I felt relieved when I sat in the car. The bus journey was tiring.The road to Valoor, the place of kochappan's origin, was narrow but neatly laid. I could see the the paddy fields on the right hand side of the road.
On the left hand side were old houses separated from each other

by huge trees;Mango, Jackfruit and Teak.From the gate of the house the drive way ascends, and reaches the garage.In the front, beyond the gate and across the road was a paddy field.

Behind the house, ran the Chalakudy River ; flowing in all it's glory.

I exclaimed while sipping tea.'' Lush greenery in the front and a flowing river beyond the backyard ; heavenly abode!''.

'' Does that word 'abode' remind of you of something else?.'' He asked. Without waiting for my answer he continued.'' have you noticed Acrobat reader - Adobe on your Desktop?

'' Do you know how that name Adobe came?'' .

I admitted my ignorance;an act which comes to me with ease as it has been a routine.

'' John warnock and Chuck Geshake are the founders of Adobe. They named it after the river ' Adobe creek' that ran behind their house."

'' How did you become so studied and meticulous about, say, even usage of words?''

Kochappan started confessing.

If you have a single track dirty mind, when you hear a title, say, "Confessions of 'a' or 'b''',

you link it to amorous adventures or sexual escapades of say 'a' or 'b' . At that age, when I took the book 'Confessions of an Advertising man' I hid it from the eyes of others and read it late night ; to find that it was only an account of the professional experience of the famous David Ogilvy, considered the father of Advertising.

Kochappan's was in the same lines; How he lost his first job as news reporter.

The head line and and an extract of his report published in the news paper was like this.

'' The US ' Vice President' arrives for bi lateral talks'' and the text followed.

Kochapps was fired the same day the news was published.

I found nothing wrong about it. '' Why''. I shouted , roared ,etc etc, in disbelief.

'' When you mention ' US Vice President' it implies that he is the president of all the ' vices' of the US. To report it correctly there should have been one Hyphen between

' vice' and 'president'. It should have been Vice-President of US meaning the visitor was the next in authority to the President of US.

And what bilateral talks it could have between the ' presidents of the vices ' of US and India !..

Bad memories weighed him down. He moved to his room to retire for the day.

It was the missing hyphen that cost him his job.

Had the Vice President been Clinton, the missing hyphen may not have made much difference in the meaning !!!

From the the bed I could see through the window ; the river was serene,tranquil,calm,as ever.

I closed my eyes for the day ( or is it ' for the night' ) . I will ask him tomorrow !!!

menon (aniyan)

Kochappan and Mullaperiyar

The auto which was taking me to kochappan's house was taking a long time to reach there. I was impatient , as impatient as Shaun Pollock wanting to get his 400thwicket ; now if you don't like the cricket context, then I can site another example of Clinton wanting to meet Monica Lewnski.

After meeting him and finishing the How are yous, and the Iam fines etc we settled down to discuss happenings in the state and the country; in that order.

'' Lot of water has gone under the bridge since I left'' he said.

Let me be frank; I grappled with that statement for a while ;I did'nt get it. Then it struck me that he was alluding to the issue of release of water from the Mullaperiyar Dam to Tamilnadu.

'' Yes, but when released from the dam, the water flow was not under the bridge but over it . The roads got washed off.''

He explained to me with patience that the expression 'Water flow under the bridge' in that context meant the passage of time and the happenings in his absence and not water from the Mullaperiyar dam.

I listened with reverence.

I informed him about the incident of the pilot vehicle of the President's convoy taking an

unprecedented wrong turn at a junction causing anxiety to the security staff.

'' Its an unprecedented incident of the pilot car taking a wrong turn and not unprecedented

wrong turn'' . He corrected me.

I was beginning to bend in reverence to his knowledge. For fear of such an act breaking the flow of conversation, I postponed that act ; like the universities in Kerala postpone exams for fear of breaking the chain of strikes by college unions. A noble thought and and considerate action.

" Who was held responsible for this security lapse ? was he penalised?'' Kochapps was curious.

'' Yes. The concerned officer was suspended.''

'' It should be the ' officer concerned ' . and if he was 'concerned officer' this mistake would not have happened.'' He corrected me again.

I could'nt bear the weight of knowledge and reverence to him any longer. I bent.

The last time I bent like that was when I used to do exercise of bending and touching my feet. That may have been some Thirty years ago.

Lot of water has gone under the bridge since then !!!

menon ( aniyan )

Kochappan's Evesdropping.

I tiptoed towards the bedroom in which the mother and the daughter of my home

were closeted.I could hear them talking in hushed tone. I kept my ear to the door in an attempt to listen; in vain. I was bit irritated about this secrecy. I mailed to Kochappan about it. I informed about the 'evesdropping' I did.

I have heard of a Professor of English who found a love letter hidden in his daughter's clutch bag. He went through the letter, corrected the spelling and grammar mistakes and returned it to the boy who wrote it, giving an advice not to commit such silly mistakes in his writings in future.

That's what Kochappan did to my mail apprising him of my 'evesdropping'.

'' The spelling is wrong '' He commented.'' Listening to a conversation on the sly is

' eavesdropping' and not 'evesdropping'. ' Eaves' is the underside of a projection of a building.''

'' What has the projection of a building got to do with listening to a conversation?''. I blurted.

'' 'Eavesdrop' originally refers to the water dripping from the eaves of a building or the ground on which it falls. In the medieval times there were legal restrictions on, buildings close to the property lines of another, so that the water does not fall on the ground of neighbours. The word 'eavesdropper' meant about a person who stands on the ' eavesdrop' of a building trying listen to his neighbour.'' He explained at length.

Instead of pacifying me what he gives me is a lesson in eavesdrops. Some times i feel like winding up telling him everything every time.

But then he is like the ' Low neckline ' - something you approve of and look down at the same time !!!

menon ( aniyan )

Kochappan's Economy.

I bought a wagon R car and drove to Kochapp's home. I don't know whether you have seen M.N.Nambiar walking around Jayalalitha casting sly glances , as a prelude to a rape scene,

in Tamil film 'Nadodimannan'. Well, If you have not seen it you should have seen Kochappan appraising my WagonR; he had the same look .A 'rape' however, did not seem

to be in his agenda.

'' You should have told them to fit 'Bridgestone Tyres' instead of these Indian ones.The meaning of ' Ishibashi' in the founder's name 'Shojiro Ishibashi' is 'Bridge of stone'

Hence the name Bridgestone. They are strong tyres'' He said.

'' What music system are you going to purcahse?''

'' I want to choose between 'Blaupunkt' and 'Pioneer' Can't make up my mind''.

''Toss a coin and decide'' He suggested.'' Bill Hewlitt and Dave Packard tossed a coin to decide whether the company's name should be the 'Hewlitt Packard' or 'Packard Hewlitt'

why don't you, for Blaupunkt or Pioneer ?.

'' Blaupunkt started operations when I was in Germany'' .

I requested him to continue.

'' Their core business was Headphones. Those ones, which had passed the quality test

were marked with Blue dots.Their Headphones thus became known as 'Blue dots' the word for which in German is 'Blaupunkt'. ''

How old are you? ( if he was in Germany when Blaupunkt started it's operations) I wanted to ask him. I did'nt. because he was always 'economical with truth' .

With truth alone?. '' No! even with words''. His young German neighbour who stared pracise as a Gynaecologist requested him to write matter for a name board for his clinic.

Kochappan 'Economised' and wrote Dr.Klausner.

Specialist in Women and other Diseases.

His reputation as a' Women specialist' grew . Now his name appears both

in the' Roll of Honoured Doctors' and in the list of HIV patients of the Stuttgart Medical Centre, in Germany.

Thanks to Kochappan !!!

menon (aniyan)

Kochappan's Nose.

My wife got off her school bus . I donot know why one 'gets out' of a car and then

'gets off' a bus. Well, that's not the point.She started walking on the pavement .

Till this point things were pretty straight and un eventful. And then it took place ; the fall.

She fell flat.

She thought that concrete slabs on the walk way were even, on the same level. But the slabs knew that they were not ; hence the confusion . Her perpendicularity became horizontality. She fell or was felled by the slabs.The sound of soft, but heavy stuff falling on concrete is generally known as the 'Thud' sound. In this case it was not different. The customary blood smearing, swelling etc took place. Her colleague's face fell .Things fell in place by Medical Aid from a near by clinic and without much ado the situation was handled by her colleague.They returned.

'' The first time your wife had fallen was when she fell for you, about 25 years ago. She was trying hard to recover from that fall and now another one. ''sad, really sad'' was Kochappan's comment thro E mail from Malayasia. '' You would have ' paid through your nose' was his observation.

I normally pay from my hand and not thro my nose. This fellow Kochapps has got the anatomy and it's functions confused.He has told me many times that he has a 'running nose' and his ' feet smells'. Such a fellow may ' Pay through his nose' !!

He E mailed this to me.'' when the Vikings ruled Ireland between the Ninth and Tenth centuries they apparently levied '' Nose tax'' from the Irish.Those who refused to pay had their nose slit. The poor Irish had to pay heavy amounts to save their nose; hence the phrase.

My face fell. I should not have made fun of him.

I shut down the computer after reading the mail. Put off the lights and looked at my wife who was sleeping.There were few marks from the fall, on her face. Probably not as bad as the wounds I may have inflicted on her during our life together.

The wounds are gone but the scars still remain.

Her nose was not running and her feet were not smelling. She was in blissful sleep.

I closed the door gently and tip - toed to the bed.

menon (aniyan)

Vayalar and more

Was Vayalar (Rama Varma) a poet or a song writer ?. Opinions vary.

'' Raathri pakalinodenna pole, yatra chodippu jaan ..... ''

'' Like darkness of the night bids farewell to the light of the day, I take leave of thee'' .

"Is this not poetry ( though written as a song in a film) asks ONV. He sites a couple of other examples to prove the point.

Vayalar's contribution was more for film songs than to Malayalam poetry.

" The loss to Malayalam poetry is the gain of Malayalam film songs'' was N.V.Krishna Warrier's comment.

Kochappan's case is also similar. Opinions may differ as in the case of Vayalar.

'' The loss of Maharaja's college where did his graduation , was the gain of SD college ahere he did his PG in Botany.'' said one of his friends to me. Opinions differ here also. Let's not dwell in the past.''

His leaving India for Malaysia ( though for v short duration) is said to be a gain for that country and a loss for this country. opinions differ .

Reports from sources from Malaysia suggests otherwise.

" How about a place where there is no Earth quakes, Typhoons, Hurricanes , volcanos and torpedos'' is a hoarding seen in Penang Highways.

They are removing that hoarding with that claim.

Reason?

Other human beings walk on the street ; he treads on the earth and at the touch of his feet it tremors.Others fly in to that country ; he stormed in ; he came in like a hurricane. For the locals his English is like 'lava' pouring forth from a volcano and he ' torpedos' all the plans of his office there to send him back early. That covers all most all aspects in the hoarding.

Malaysia Airports Berhad (MAB) has since hurriedly removed a multiligual welcome sign at the terminal building of Malaysia's Sultan Ismail Petra Airport. This board was originally written in Bahasa, English, Jawi, Mandarin, Tamil and Thai.The new board will not have the welcome in English and Tamil. They don't want to take risks with people like him from India any more. 'Experience speaks' is the old saying ; now it changes ' welcome signs' also.

I am anxious to know about his days at SD college; to know whether it was a gain or loss.

I wanted to open his cupboard ; but then Iam scared. There may be 'skeletons in the cupboard'.

I may be opening ' Pandora's Box' if I open his briefcase.Not at night. May be tommorow.

I should not be doubting about Kochapps as a human being. He is a nice and clean fellow. Let him come back where he is welcome, to where he belongs, where he is liked'

But then, like in the case of Vayalaar , opinions differ !!!

menon (aniyan)