Kochappan, achu mama,and cabbages

Dr.S.B.Misra, who gave up his career as a geologist in North America to return to India to fulfill his dream of building a 'village school' in Lucknow, was in for a surprise when he saw an e-mail in his inbox. It informed him of a rare honour of a 565 million year old 'Fossil' being named after him by the Govt of Canada. His discovery, the oldest record of multicellular life on earth, is now called 'Fractofusus Misrai'.

I do not know whether you can picturise the expression of surprise and excitement of a UP-born Misra at that time. Probably, if the regional prejudices cloud your vision, I can recommend
your imagining the south Indian face of Kochappan showing the same excitement in seeing a
fe-male instead of an e-mail in his office when he reaches there. E-mails rarely excite him; for you and me the difference in one alphabet would be another mistake in spelling, but for Kochapps, it's different; like the advertisement of Maggie hot and sour tomato ketchup; it's different.

May I remind you at this juncture that I have not met Kochapps for almost a month. We had a lot to discuss, from 123 Agreement to the reforms in administration of 'Achu mama', the CM of Kerala.

'' Achu mama is very innovative and is doing lot of good for the state in particular, and for the country in general. Achumama is a patriot. He contributes to India with all his might from Thiruvanantapuram.'' I observed without prejudice.

'' Can you give me one example ?'' asked Kochapps in a sarcastic tone.

'' I can site an example of his innovativeness'' I volunteered. Normally I don't volunteer but for Achu mama I did.

''The city streets are choking because of the increase in number of vehicles, resulting in traffic jam. Achu mama has come out with an innovative idea to overcome this problem, '' I said with pride and added a little dignity also to it ; like lime to Gin or Coke to rum.

''Tell me more'', sarcasm in tone had not left Kochapps fully.

'' No cars will be allowed to ply in the cities without filling it's full seating capacity and two wheelers should necessarily have a pillion rider also''. I gave the overall picture.

Kochappan's jaws fell .You may have seen a mango or coconut falling from their respective trees but you may not have seen ' jaws' falling. Kochappan's jaws fell. Picturise it please.

He collected his fallen jaw back (the lower one), reinstated it and asked '' Does it mean that I cannot go out in a car if only I and my wife are going out.? Does it mean that I have to collect another two people to fill up the seating capacity? I have heard of the idea of car sharing being encouraged but what is this all about?''

'' This rule gives rise to generation of additional employment these days '' I informed.

'' Additional employment opportunity ?'' He was at loss; his 'Balance Sheet' was affected very badly.

'' Assume a situation when only you and your wife are there to go by car for shopping, outing or for a quiet drive. You can ring up agencies (which will be set up) who will provide you people on hire to be your co-passengers.You can specify sex, age, height, weight, complexion etc to your taste and choose them. This generates lot of employment. This will be so for two wheeler owners also. Brilliant and innovative idea!'' I commented.

Kochappan slumped. These days he is unable to understand harsh realities of life. He needs help to move to his bedroom. He felt dizzy. Achu mama's innovative ideas have left him dazed.

I covered him with a sheet up to his chest and bid good bye for the day and then he spoke.

'' You told me about fossils. Your Achu mama and most of the politicians who govern us are fossils. Do you know where they should be?''. Before I could think of an answer he said it.

''They are useless on the top of the ground. They should be underneath; inspiring cabbages ''

I knew that the likes of Achumama can inspire lot of people but till Kochapps said it I didn't know that they can inspire even cabbages !!!

menon ( aniyan)

Mere Desh Ki Dharthi

The morning was grey. Clouds gathered in the distant sky. It was getting dark. The wind was damp. It was eerie.

'' Something ominous is going to happen'' murmured some. ''Something bad for the country'', said a few others. I didn't want to sit alone. I rang up kochapps and told him that I want solace. I do not know whether you have taken solace from friends; it’s good; esp the variety kochapps dishes out; it's very good, try it sometime.

When I reached Kochapps' apartment block half an hour later, I found a crowd of the residents of the flats near the 'Club House Hall'. I passed through gloomy faces into the hall to locate Kochapps. Some women were huddled together and were whispering. Some had eyes red, out of crying. I found Kochapps with difficulty. He was not affected much.
I asked him, '' what happened?''

''Don't you know what happened.?''

'' No'' .quoth I ; in Old English; the British variety.

'' Behold'' quoth he also, in OE, and extended the paper to me.

' Sanjay Dutt sentenced to six years imprisonment'' was the head line.

'' I knew this alright but what is happening here'' I enquired.

'' The Hindi film lovers including the north Indians from this building are meeting to protest and to pray for Sanjay. They are also requesting the Film Actors Assn
' AMMA" to declare 'Hartal' in Kerala.

After the meeting I read out the reports to Kochapps, like I did on the Churidar Issue of Guruvayoor.

'' Was there a rally after Sanjay was arrested.?'' I asked ; innocently.

'' What rally?'' he asked.

" This report says, “The film personalities rallied behind actor Sanjay Dutt after he was arrested on Tuesday”. I stopped for clarification.

He gave me a look I won't forget in my life.

I read the reactions of people from various walks of life to this incident.

'' Victim of conspiracy of circumstances'', said Shatrughnan Sinha, BJP MP.
"Iska badla hum zaroor loonga'', he pledged ; ever since he was sworn in as an
MP, he is in this habit of making 'pledges' ; ordinary statements are few and rare.

'' Upsetting'', director Kunal Kohli said, '' My sympathy is with his family .... It is a very sad day for Bharath desh. He has already paid for what he has done''. The patriot Kunal is, he recited two lines from manoj kumar's 'UPKAR'

'' Mere desh ki dharti sonaha ugle, ugle he heere mothi,
Mere desh ki dharti, Mere desh ki dharti, Mere desh ki dharti'', repeated it thrice to prove the point.

His voiced choked with emotion for Bharathdesh and Sanjay. He couldn't continue. He retired hurt. Like Manoj Kumar from patriotic films.

“Had he paid any fine earlier? '' I sought clarification again. Kochapps looked at me. To be very frank I couldn't decipher his expression. It was not an encouraging one anyway.

Film maker Anubhav Sinha hoped that '' there would be some provisions in the judgement to find some relief for our friend''. Mahesh Bhatt also mentioned about this 'relief in judgement.'

'' If the judgement doesn't have any relief to Sanjay, the Bollywood film Industry should definitely seek the help of the Drugs and Pharmaceutical Industry to provide some relief not only to him but to his family members in pain'' I expressed my opinion openly.

The last response came from the notable Bollywood film actress Monica Bedi who is convalescing after serving a term in jail for two separate charges of 'Physical alliance with mutiple people in a compromising manner in a discotheque in Delhi ' and ' Passport forgery case'. From her ancestral home from Chhabewal, in Hoshiarpur district. she said '' It's a big loss''.

She expressed her hope,'' Like Phoenix rose from ashes I have come back to life so will Sanjay'' .

I finished reading.

As if to Sanjay, I said it aloud ''You will come out like the phoenix from ashes, Sanjay, making it three of us achieving that feat; Monica from Hoshiarpur, you from Mumbai and I from Ravipuram.!!!”

I looked at Kochappan. He was fast asleep unmindful of the national calamities happening. I closed the door gently and waked on to the road.

It was still cloudy; threatening to rain.......

menon ( aniyan )

Hindustan Latex

That news came around 6.30pm on TV. We were in a restaurant at that time.
It came as surprise. It was breaking a tradition of so many years. It was about the decision of the Devaswom committee of Guruvayoor temple to allow women to enter temple wearing 'Churidar- kurta'.

'' What is so great about this news? why are people excited? Were women not allowed to wear anything while entering Guruvayoor, that Churidar news is being welcomed? were the questions I asked Kochappan who was having the third peg of Gin ; large one ; the 60ml variety. I was on lime, and cordial to him.

Wait till you see tomorrow's news papers. I assured him of excitement tomorrow.

At 10.30am next day. I read the newspapers loud to him in his room.

'' A novel decision'' was Chief Minister Achummavan's response.

'' Chief Minister is insulting this decision by calling novel , fiction etc it should be appreciated'' came the comment of opposition leader Ommen chandy. ''He doesn't have the guts to takea decision like this'' he added ; Chandy was good in arithmetics in school.

'' What is this issue about ' novel', ' fiction.? I asked kochapps.

'' It's a question of infuence of literacy and in Kerala politicians dont fight but engage in war of words.'' he replied

'' I want to have gin now before lunch'' he told me. I told him that I shall have lime with the same cordiality.

'' This decision to allow Churidar- kurta is to help the Ready made garment mafia of Mumbai and Tiruppur to increase their business in Kerala''. Alleged BJP state president krishna das. Krishna Das 'alleges' every day after bath and breakfast; it's just a habit.

The Chavakkad and Guruvayoor chapter of the ' Nudist's Association of Kerala'
has appealed to co-nudists from Goa to join their protest against the Devaswom board.
'' Considering Lord Krishna's focus and the specific interest in hiding the clothes of 'Gopikas' when they were taking their bath in the river and allied activities, allowing female devotees in Guruvayoor temple in their birth- day -suites would be the ideal way of worship '' claimed Ragunath Krishnan, the 70 yr old former president of the Nudist's chapter of Chavakkad and Guruvayoor. He exhorted the younger members to press for their demand for the implementation of birthday-suites concept in all Sree Krishna Temples in Kerala.

I looked at Kochapps. He was lost in thought ; then he said '' In an interview a press correspondent asked Dr.Kurien, founder of NDDB , as to what was wrong with Kerala. Do you know the reply he is reported to have given ?''

'' No, I don't''.

' The only thing wrong about kerala is that it is full of Malayalees''

Kochappan being educated and scholarly I requested him for his comment.

'' I have only one request to the politicians of this state'' he said.

'' What would that be?''

'' Please learn from your parent's mistakes. Use birth controls and if you love your state as you say buy the 'Hindustan Latex' ones made in Kerala'' !!!

As it happens to me most of the times I was wondering why should they use birth controls for their parents' mistakes.


menon ( aniyan )

Global Warming

' You Live Only Twice' ; ' Once when you are born and then when you
' face death'.

I have not experienced it when I was born. But after I was born, seeing the kind of person Iam,and my life after my birth, there was a general opinion among the friends of my parent's that, the gene pool of the family should make use of little Chlorine so that the further outputs of their's , would be more clean, neat and acceptable to the society at large.

Madam du Barry, mistress of Louis xiv , facing death, just before being Guillotined, pleaded '' You are going to hurt me.Please don't hurt me. Just one more moment.I beg you, please.'' She was living that moment ,as she has never lived before.

That was one approach to facing death.

'' How about this for a head line for a tomorrow's newspaper.' French Fries' '' .said James French before being executed in electric chair in 1966.

That was another.

and the third one. ''I would like to thank my family for loving me and taking care of me.And the rest of the world can kiss my ass'' .James Frank Garret Sr injected to death 1992.

Why-these- unpleasant things- now question would have crossed your mind.

Iam on my way to Kochappan to get response about my recent writing on fantasy of going to Ravipuram cremation ground which was preceeded by the ones on 'Cats', 'Godots', 'Dogs' etc.

Of the three options available and mentioned above, I chose the Madam du Barry approach to facing execution from Kochappan ; the ' plead for the mercy ' variety.

Keeping in line with the recent trend of recreating old incidents like 'Dandi March'
I decided to resort to the same style ; One has to be up- to- date , you know.
Like Madam Barry I started walking towards Kochapp's house 7 kms away.

I have bought the' thigh of a lamb' from Kaloor market, an area of the anatomy in which I dwell considerably when eating it. But I have never seen the face of a lamb in front of it's executioner. Probably it would have been something like Madam Barry's when she was in the same state as the lamb was.

Contrary to my expectations of being extinguished nothing bad happened ; I and Rahul Dravid were in the same boat ; better still, similar boat', because his was in Lord's and mine was in India ; geographical difference you see.

'' Aniyan you have improved quite bit in your writing .Now that your readers are satisfied and has had their hearts full you should take up spoken English and write less'' Kochapps nurtured.

I sat like the Pomeranian breed; enjoying it. Great moments of life;being nurtured ;not tortured as Madam du Barry.

Iam taking up spoken English seriously because I have decided to go more into Training and teaching in various institutes like the ones of Guru's management.

'' You can learn and improve a lot with a person like Raj of Guru'' Kochappan opined.

'' I have started using better and professional English in his organisation.I have learned and started using lot of phrases , idioms etc'' I said proudly.

'' That's good I know you can do it.Is Raj happy!''. Kochapps' expectation about me was growing.

'' Oh yes. I was also there with him when he was entertaining two of his clients from a management consultancy from Britain at Windsor Manor at lunch''. I paused.

'' You would have contributed to the conversation '' he was in conjecture.

'' Oh yes I did. Using new found phrases I engaged the British couple.To please the lady and complement her I said ' If I had told you that you have a gorgeous body will you hold it against me?' .

Kochappan froze. '' Did the man hear it'' .

'' No he was in conversation with Raj''. I said. '' I proved to the Brit that I had knowledge about Britain by giving a quote about England''

'' What did you say''

'' I told him '' I know why the sun never sets on British Empire.Because even God will not trust an Englishman in darkness''

'' Oh God. How did he react'' Kochapps moaned.

'' He had a similar expression like yours '' I said ; innocentally

" How did Raj react?''

'' He got me ticket by 'Go Air' to Kochi from the hotel travel desk itself on credit card, and drove me to the airport. Even in that cold climate he was sweating. May be he was feeling bad about my leaving Bangalore''. I finished giving feed back.

Kochappan tried to stand up. He swayed. This is the second time I have seen him going weak on his knees after a conversation with me. I helped him to the bed room. He was sweating like Raj did after lunch. '' Why are all of you sweating?'' I asked him.

'' Global warming, Aniyan , Global warming'' he muttered !!!!

Carbon Dioxide and Nitrous Oxide are cited as causes for Global warming.

I did not quite understand what did I have to do with Global warming !!!

I will have to ask him.

menon ( aniyan )

The bread knife

I wrote prose.Nothing much happened. I wrote poetry, and after reading it Kochappan retired hurt .He has not recovered yet; is in Malaysia now for recovery and recuperation. I feel guilty of my poetry putting him out of action . M.D. paliath consoled me thro mail and even offered to come down to Kochi to share my grief over one or two pegs of Rum ; he was willing to increase the quantity of intake either in 'millilitres' or in 'pegs'.leaving the choice to me. He said my poetry is good ; that comment from a person erudite as him, who came out in 'colours' in his first attempt and in ' Flying colours ' at the second, in the Civil Services Exams, and is generally found in the office The Director of Aeronautical Agency, advising him on various matters, was by all means an encouraging one.

What to write next? I was in a dilemma. I asked komala as to what should I write next.

' Few cheques dedicated to me'' was her reply.

I asked Aparna, my first output. "What do you think I should write next''.

'' It's your will" . I didn't quite get what she meant by ' will '.

And if it is the ' will ' through which she inherits then all she is likely to get is ' love and fresh air' ; considering the scarcity of these two it would be of great value.But then theses days people ' know the price of every thing but the value of nothing'.

''Why don't you write about us, our love for each other, especially our love and concern

for you'' suggested my second output Meera.

I weighed the suggestions. I was still weighing when Meera added '' I have got a poem which will show my concern for you''.

I was curious. I asked her to read it to me which she did ; with the mother, and the other output listening.

'' Please mother don't stab father with a bread knife

Remember it was a gift when you were wed

But if you still want to stab father with a bread knife

Please, mother, use another one for the bread ''

I was moved by the concern of my daughter and her plea to her mother.

I could hear them laughing when I was moving away from the room.

I pictured in my mind; what a happy family picture at breakfast table it would be ; the children, the father, the mother , the bread, and the bread knife which we got as wedding gift.

menon ( aniyan )

Poetry on poverty.

" Is this the poem ?''. He asked me.

'' Yes. This is the one about which I talked to you'' .I replied.

I do not know whether you have seen a person who is ' weighing his options'. They generally tend to have this serious look for few minutes, and in the minutes to follow, it takes a turn to the lost one. This may last for few seconds or minutes and they get their bearings and return to the original state.

Kochappan went through the afore mentioned stages and returned.He started talking to me.

I would break my narrative here and tell you about this poem.

Readers might remember my attempt at writing the heart rending story of
' The Cat' and the criticism it received. Moving away from the realm of writing in prose about feelings of cats and dogs, I decided to enrich and entertain my readers by writing poetry. The product of my first attempt, is with Kochappan for his opinion.

Back to Kochapps after the break.

'' Writing six or seven sentences, one below the other with a comma at the end of each line does not make it a poem''. he said.
'' Poetry is the powerful flow of emotions recollected in tranquilty''.He pointed his finger on my writing and asked me
'' What do you think this is? You read it yourself and tell me''.

This is the poem I had penned.

'' Ravipuram was the destination,
of Komalam's nnmenon,

Having no money for petrol was his problem,
A matter in which no help came, even from Komalam

' Take a free ride with someone' came the signal from his brain,
and thus went Komalam's menon
In the pillion of his neighbour Simon
To Ravipuram his destination''.

'' Well. What is the 'Theme'? What did you want to convey?. Kochapps waited for my assessment of my own creation.

I couldn't take this belittling my creative output.Yet I answered politely.

'' In this poem I have tried to convey symbolically the helplessness of such men who are poor, and suffering from not having money even to fill petrol in their car, and is forced to seek a free ride from a neighbour.I have been cautious in not describing the mental agony of the man, as against what I had done in describing the feelings of the cat, which you felt would sadden the reader and spoil his day.
Regarding the composition, I have maintained the 2-2-4 combination ( similar to that of a football team formation in a match) in the stanzas with End Rhyming''
I conveyed the matter fairly clearly.

The expression of the hero of '' Psycho'' a movie by Hitchkock, on seeing the ghost at the head of the stair case when he was climbing to the first floor, is considered the best even now, of expressions in that category.

Kochappan's expression on hearing my description ! You can't imagine.
I never thought that my poem would touch him to this extent. He struggled to stand up.Slowly and gingerly he started off towards his bedroom.He said he wanted to retire early.

While walking, in a desparate tone, I heared him muttering

'' Some people are ' wise ' some are 'otherwise' ''.

As it happens sometimes to me , I couldnot quite catch why he said that!

I will ask him tomorrow .........


menon ( aniyan )

I went to Godot

The gate creaked a little.The hinges had rust on it. We all tend gather rust as we age. The gates creak ; we croak. That's the essential difference between men and gates. Well, let's leave gates behind and proceed.Which I did ; towards his portico. The sole intention ?. To get his feed back on my recent writing on 'The Cat' .

His smile, on seeing me, was like ' sunshine on a rainy day ' ; literally and figuratively. After sitting, exchanging pleasantries etc in that order, I asked him about his comments on my writing.

After a pregnant silence he delivered. '' I will quote what Dr.Johnson said in a similar situation. Your manuscript is both original and good. That part which is original is not good and that part which is good is not original.''

'' What do you think would be your reader's reaction?.'' He asked me. '' Be frank'' he added.

" I thought they would have been literally glued to the seat while reading it. I am being frank'' I said with conviction.

The teacher in him woke up, yawned and said '' My dear aniyan, if the brand of the glue were to be Fevicol , manufactured by Pidilite Industries, they may not have been able to stand up from their seat after reading your writing. You should have used the word 'figuratively' instead of ' literally'. Develop precision in use of language''.

'' You think Kulkarni lnt ebg, Guru, or Sekhar will be, on opening their mail,at 7pm, after a tiring day,be interested in reading about a cat( which they have never seen or heard) getting pregnanat and delivering in your wife's cupboard.''

He continued '' Do you know the damage it does to your reputation? By your admitting that your wife is eyeing you with suspicion about the cat's pregnancy''.

He was really concerned about my welfare.'' These people are going to keep their pet animals , like cats ,dogs etc locked in some room, when you visit them, for the fear of these becoming pregnant during your stay there?.''

'' Even George Bush had thought of the after effects of Iraq ; but you didn' t in your case. Iam surprised !'' He stopped.

I donot know wheher you would have seen Mulayam singh Yadav's face when Myavati defeated him in UP. I would have almost looked the same ; defeated look.

I will tell you what I felt like when I was returning home; I felt useless ;
As useless as a pulled tooth !!!

menon ( aniyan )